Apocalypse Know

The Discovery Channel has a new reality show called The Colony, with a pretty clever premise: ten people dropped into a simulated post-apocalyptic setting having to fend for themselves. Everyone’s all touchy-feely “Let’s pull together” so far, but you know they’ll be at each other’s throats before long. It’s inevitable. They’re American.

The show does seem to stack the odds a little bit though, as there’s a pretty good mix of highly useful skills in the group. There’s a handyman, an engineer, a doctor AND a nurse, a martial arts trainer, and a college professor. The chances of falling in with that well-qualified a group after the bombs go off are far less than the chances of running across mutants on motorcycles (which the show also offers a version of). Knowing my luck, I’d end up with a web designer, a dog groomer, two stenographers and a juggler, and I’d hope and pray I was the thinnest of the group so that I wouldn’t be the first one eaten.

Anyway, the show got me to thinking what exactly would I bring to the table if Skynet finally goes nuts and it was every survivor for themselves. Aside from, if properly prepared, a rather tasty midsection.

And I’m kind of drawing a blank.

Sure, I’m smart and have a modicum of common sense, but I don’t think I’d be able to barter my knowledge of various role-playing systems for any kind of food. I don’t think anybody is going to be looking to upgrade their computers, unless it’s from “heavy thing I can throw at someone” to “slightly heavier thing I can throw at someone”. And the barbarian hordes of the nuclear wasteland aren’t going to be cowed by an extensive array of Star Trek trivia. So, short of being hailed as a god by a group of deranged game store employees, I’d be just another mouth to feed.

I’ve got a good memory, so I could hope for a Fahrenheit 451 sort of scenario where I’m chosen to memorize a book so that it doesn’t fade into history. Of course, instead of something cool like Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy or Lord of the Rings, I’d probably get stuck with Twilight.

In that case, just go ahead and eat me.

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