Richard’s Year of Movies — 2012

2012 looks like it was made by someone who watched The Day After Tomorrow and thought, “That wasn’t bad, but why all the realism?”  Somewhere, Irwin Allen sat up in his grave and said, “Really?”

Okay, it’s a disaster movie.  I’m not looking for a science lesson.  But neutrinos somehow mutating to the point they liquefy the earth’s center so the continental plates just slide around however they want?  Next thing you’re going to tell me there’s a movie where the trees get mad at us and … oh.

Not to say that the eye candy here isn’t impressive.  They certainly don’t scrimp on the destruction.  California slides into the Pacific, Yellowstone explodes rather spectacularly, the dome at St. Peter’s gets its revenge, there’s enough tidal waves to make it look like an Aquaman movie, and Danny Glover tries to act presidential.  I swear, the guy mumbles everything in this movie.  It’s like he couldn’t bring himself to just come out and say the crap that was in the script, so he half-assed it.

But whenever things stop exploding or collapsing, you’ve got people talking, and that’s the real disaster.  It’s Cliche 101, with no stale character arc left behind, and no tender moment left untouched by an incredibly appropriately-timed earthquake.  I’m almost afraid to tell my wife I love her for fear a train might crash through the building followed by a tidal wave dropping an oil tanker on us, just to be sure.

And if this film is to be believed, if you’re a bit of an asshole when the cataclysm hits, you might want to do yourself a favor and just off yourself at the first sign of fire from the sky.  Because no matter how heroically you act, no matter how much character growth you display, no matter how hard you try to put your bad ways behind you, you’re going to die. Most likely agonizingly close to being rescued.  And most likely to save someone who thinks your an asshole no matter what.  So screw it.  Just stand there and let the earth swallow you.  It’ll save you a lot of time and maybe teach some of those ungrateful bastards a lesson.

Movies like 2012 are one of the reasons I’m grateful for Netflix.  I never would have paid to see this in the theater or rent it on its own, but on Instant Watch?  Sure, I’ll fire it up on a lazy Sunday.  Besides, Woody Harrelson exploding!


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