Clash of the Titans

Like many of you, I watched the epic struggle play out over the weekend, wondering which side would come out on top.  As I stared at the screen, I thought about how we’d come to this point, and how things would change in the future.  Truly a historical moment.

Huh?  Egypt?  There something going on there?  I was talking about Tiffany vs. Debbie Gibson on SyFy.

TANGENT #1:  It took an incredible amount of will to type out the proper name of that network.  Granted, the network has about as much to do with science fiction these days as the Encyclopedia Britannica, but really?  SyFy?  What, was BattleStargate Ghost Wrestling already taken?

TANGENT #2:  I’m sure all the guys will say Debbie Gibson was the one they all had crushes on back in the day, but you know deep down we knew Tiffany was the one more likely to put out.

Anyway, back to the battling has-beens.

Yeah, the movie was called Mega Python vs. Gatoroid, but they clearly took a backseat to the titanic battle between acting and Tiffany and Gibson.  And the most horrifying thing in the film wasn’t the giant CGI reptiles, but what the hell has happened to Debbie Gibson.  She looks like she’s going to leap out of a pyramid and fight the Thundercats.  It makes her big cat fight with Tiffany completely ridiculous, because it’s pretty obvious one of Tiffany’s breasts could probably take Gibson out all by itself.  And their characters die such ridiculous, arbitrary deaths, as if the film itself decided to remove any chance of there being a sequel.  For which I guess we should be grateful.

And yet I sat and watched the whole thing.  It was glorious in its cheesiness.  Yes, it’s undeniably bad, but let’s face it, with a title like Mega Python vs. Gatoroid, it’s pretty clear the filmmakers knew they weren’t making The Wire here.  You have to put your head in a different place to appreciate something like this.  Like a nice soft room perhaps.

So if Sy … No.  Sorry.  Can’t do it again.  I can’t type that one more time.  If BattleStargate Ghost Wrestling wants to keep enlarging various animals and pitting them against each other in poorly rendered fight scenes, more power to them.  Same goes if they want to keep throwing 80s pop stars against each other.  Bring on Mega Apollonia vs. Giant Shiela E.

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